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A Review of Ready or Not, An All-American Girl Novel by Meg Cabot

This chapter is especially difficult for me to write because Meg Cabot is one of my favorite authors. Cabot writes adult fiction as well as teen fiction and is the author of the popular, Princess novels. (Two of which were made into great movies with Anne Hathaway and Julie Andrews, The Princess Diaries I and II) Not only is Cabot capable of writing great children’s and teen stories, she is also near genius in the adult fiction genre as well. The Boy Next Door is a must read for any email-addicted girl out there. My friends and I have passed that one around so many times, the book is falling apart. What’s really upsetting is the so-called “adult” Boy Next Door is more appropriate for teenagers than Cabot’s Ready or Not, which you can find in the Junior section of your local library.

Ready or Not follows Samantha Madison, a 16-year-old high school student, through her agonizing decision of whether or not to sleep with her boyfriend, who happens to be the son of the President of the United States. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. There is no other sub-plot, unless you count the liberal propaganda intended to cultivate a new generation of Democrats. Sex or no sex? That is the question. And I am fairly certain that this topic could be written in a way that isn’t crass or rude and possibly address some serious issues facing teens today. But from practically the first page (page 2) the reader…your child…is bombarded with topics like crotchless panties, appendage fondling, the “Top Ten places to lose your virginity”, boobage, clueless parents, and pretty much everything else that would show up in parents’ worst nightmares. If the topic of sex was approached with the consequences clearly spelled out, then we might have a useful story, although I’m not convinced the subject material is necessary. When Cabot wrote, “Because, let’s face it, sex is an awfully big step,” I perked up and thought the moral message was finally being presented. Unfortunately, she bombed on that one too.

“It completely changes your relationship…whenever the girl and the guy start Doing It, that’s it. That’s all they do. So long going to the movies. So long going to dinner. All they ever do when they get together is…well, It.”

I guess Cabot missed all the recent studies on skyrocketing STD rates in high school students. In her world, the worst that can happen from teen sex is a stifled social life and feature film deprivation. And I’m not just taking quotes that support my theory… this book is absolute crap…read it yourself. The only time Cabot mentions actual consequences from sex is on page 213.

“With sex comes great responsibility. An end of innocence. Not to mention possible STDs and unwanted pregnancy. Who needs the aggravation?”

Finally, a mention of a negative consequence at the very end of the book! With Cabot’s penchant for graphic descriptions, this would have been the opportune time for a blow-by-blow of what a herpes breakout looks like. But we don’t get that. Those few sentences are all we get, right before Sam decides she’ll risk the “aggravation” and jumps her boyfriend at Camp David with his parents down the hall. (Sorry to ruin the ending for you.)

My personal favorite in this little gem is on page 50 where Sam’s sister Lucy not only encourages her to have sex without delay but she gives her some helpful hints for “safe” sex.

“Spermicidal foam is easy, you stick the applicator in like a tampon and just plunge it right in. You should have no problems.”

What is this? A novel, or the Idiot’s Guide to Birth Control? Lucy is quite the spiritual guide in this story. A few chapters later we find her still trying to talk Sam into screwing her boyfriend.

“’Well, have you been practicing?’ Lucy asked.

I stared down at her. ‘Practicing? Practicing what?’

‘Making love,’ Lucy said. ‘Look, it’s easy. Get in the bathtub. Turn the water on. Scoot down to the end of the tub, until your you-know-what is under the running water. Then pretend the water is the guy, and let it—‘”

This, I suppose, is the Joycelyn Elders philosophy put to practice. We should be training our children how to masturbate as an option to sex. Is this really necessary? Monkeys masturbate. Even some toddlers masturbate. I’m no prude. I’m not saying masturbation is dirty or wrong or the cause of furry palms or premature blindness. In fact, it is clearly a natural human activity…but it’s instinctual, much like breathing or sleeping. Does anyone really need to be given step-by-step instructions, complete with PowerPoint pie charts?

There are so many gross and inane things in this book; I don’t know where to start. On page 53 Sam wonders,

“Like, just how big is the average you-know-what, when it’s, you know, in its inflated state? And how long does the foam stay in after you, you know, Do It?”

Skip ahead to page 200 where the rumor is out that Sam has had sex with her boyfriend and she’s being called “slut” by the kids in the “Right Way” group (“neo-facists” who think teens should abstain from sex, drugs and booze) the entire school comes to Sam’s defense.

“’We’re all sluts,’ the entire Adams Prep track team jumped up gleefully to announce. Soon, every single person in the cafeteria—with the exception of Kris and her fellow members of Right Way—was on his or her feet, declaring, ‘I’m a slut!’ It was a beautiful thing.’”

Yeah. I’m sure the fathers of America would be thrilled for their daughters to join the Proud Sluts club. How did we go from Tom Sawyer, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlotte’s Web, Anne of Green Gables, and The Chronicles of Narnia…to Debbie Does Daycare? It is alarming what passes as good children’s literature.

Next up is the social programming. The first indoctrination attempt is on page 9 where the “Right Wayers” (which suspiciously sounds like right-wingers) are introduced. Kris Parks, the jerk of the story, founded the group so she can brag on her college applications that she started a “call to action for teens to take back their right to say no to drugs, alcohol and sex.” Kris and her friends are repeatedly shown to be closed-minded and intolerant of anyone who is different.

Then there’s the MTV incident. Sam goes on MTV with the President to help him kick off his “Family Initiative” which Sam thinks is just spending more time with your family, but the evil Republicans have snuck in a push for parental notification for handing out birth control. After hearing this, Sam goes on a televised rant that could have been written by Jeanneane Garofolo.

“This Return to Family thing…it’s all a crock! It’s a trick!…It’s a conspiracy to take away your rights!…What about my rights?…The way to strengthen families isn’t to undermine the rights of one member, while giving more rights to the other…The real reason the United States leads the developed nations in teen birth and STD rates isn’t because clinics aren’t notifying parents about their teenagers’ behavior, but because here, all they teach us is Just Say No. Not, ‘Here’s what you do in case saying no doesn’t work out for you.’ Just…no. In countries where adults are open with kids about sex and birth control, and teens are taught that there’s nothing shameful or whatever about it, the rates of unwanted pregnancies and STDs are lowest…”

Where do they teach “Just Say No” to teenagers about sex? Where? I’ll be on a plane tomorrow. The truth is, that hasn’t been the message for as long as I can remember, and I’m 31. That’s at least 12 years of giving into teenagers’ immature sexual desires and what did we get? 15-year-olds taking off their tops for strangers with video cameras.

Did anybody catch the liberal parenting advice in that quote? The importance of “equality” in a family? Liberals are the only people I know who think children are equal to them. Obviously, children have rights. They have the same rights we all have, the right not to be abused, the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but the state says until my child is 18, I am legally responsible for her. That means I have to make decisions about her actions because ultimately, I am responsible for her. She is not my equal. My child is an impressionable young human who is ruled by her wants and her childish impulses. She needs guidance in order to grow into a strong, responsible adult able to make good decisions and leave her corner of the world better than how she found it. And I can guarantee you, books like this will not help any child grow into a decent human being.

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