Webloggin » Eight People Who You'd Rather See Put Their Tongues in a Shredder Instead of Your Dog

This story sent a chill down my spine:

Ellen Lutz of Aqueboque learned that firsthand last month, when her 7-month-old golden retriever, Striker, ambled into her home office and licked her paper shredder.

To her horror, the machine latched onto his tongue, and began to grind.

“He was screaming, and he was fighting for his life,” says Lutz, adding that in his panic, the 67-pound puppy did even more damage to his mutilated tongue. She immediately disconnected the shredder, and took Striker to a nearby emergency hospital.

“I was covered in blood from head to toe,” Lutz remembers.

A story this horrific is hard-pressed to end well: Striker’s injury was so severe - basically, most of his tongue was gone - that he was euthanized.

As many of you know, I have two precious mutts, and so I immediately unplugged my shredder, and I recommend that you do the same thing. I have to admit, though, that after I read this story, I had an ugly thought. I’m not proud of it, but I think I know where it came from. I attribute it to the stress associated with chronic overexposure to toxic television like “Hardball with Chris Matthews,” “Countdown with Keith Olbermann,” “The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer,” and “The View.” Call it PTTS (Post-traumatic Television Syndrome.) So, as you read what follows, please forgive me and realize that I know it’s wrong, but I don’t believe in keeping things from my friends, even the occasional dark thought that intrudes on my usually sunny personality.

With that disclaimer, here’s my list of Eight People You’d Rather Have Put Their Tongues in the Shredder Instead of Your Dog (not really, but I wish they would stop talking)

Keith Olbermann

Lou Dobbs
Like Keith Olbermann, this proponent of the demagogic, albeit non-existent, war on the middle class, vaulted to cable tv stardom by finding his niche: tapping into the longstanding populist resentments and appealing to a small, misinformed group of discontented zealots, energized by dwelling on their anger over the perceived injustices brought on by globalization and illegal immigration. As you know, I take a back seat to no one on the issue of taking back the border, but unlike Mr. Dobbs, I don’t oppose tax cuts for small business and support socialist universal health care run by the government.

Chris Matthews
What can I say about the Screamer that I haven’t already said? Whether its his irrepresible glee over the ridiculous and pointless Scooter Libby prosecution, his obvious inability to understand the most basic concepts of economics, or his frenetic style that suggests he’s ready to crash through your tv screen, he’s one of a kind. He’s overexposed and he needs to stop now.

Rosie O’Donnell
Does Rosie ever have an unexpressed thought? If she does, I’d hate to hear the things that her better judgment keeps from our tender ears. She’s shared her theories on keeping kids safe (teach them to say the “F” word to adults), as well as her desire to see “one senator” introduce a bill to impeach President Bush (she missed civics class the day they explained that articles of impeachment originate in the House) and her deep understanding of the Constitution. I think we’ve all heard enough.