Swiped from SondraK

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“Correlation is not causation!” say the science types. The meaning of this timeless refrain is clear: Just because you find two metrics correlate, throughout space or time, does not necessarily mean one metric is a causative agent of the other. Science cannot be useful to us if it doesn’t measure reality, and part of reality is the coincidence. Scientists must therefore be prepared for the eventuality in which they invest treasure and ego into investigating causation, and ultimately find out it just isn’t there.

Al Gore seems to have missed this. If you’ve watched his movie, you know an important part of his theory is that two curved lines happen to match up. He regales us with a story about one of his former classmates accidentally discovering the theory of continental drift with his observation that the eastern shoreline of South America is shaped very much like the western shoreline of Africa. Then he looks at the correlation between CO2 saturation and something called the mean global temperature or some such. And wonders aloud: Huh. I wonder if we have the same thing happening here?

He leaves his audience — which seems to be made up of young, impressionable minds enrolled in scientific-like college courses — with the impression that whenever you see two curved lines matching up, even a little bit…the first thing you must do is rule out coincidence. Oh, boy. I wonder what science is going to be rolling past us in the next couple of decades?

Indeed, presented on some of the charts, the curves do seem to line up very much like South America and Africa. Al Gore, therefore, presumes that correlation must be causation. And we’re told “The Science Is Settled!” It is a curious situation, since scientists like to talk about correlation NOT being causation.  Al’s theory is based on this — where are the scientists rushing out of the woodwork to rap him across the knuckles? His theory is based on the idea that correlation is causation — and on nothing else.

But Al has spoken. So if two curved lines match up, it must mean something. Can I interject something here? If that is the litmus test, I have a few things I’d like checked out. It’s pretty important. Al has told us our planet is withering away and may not be able to support life in a generation or two. I see correlation. Going by his logic, that must mean causation. Thirty times, I see it. Using Al’s science. So let’s look into it.

1. Illegal immigration

I’m told we have seventeen million illegal immigrants now, and just a few years ago it was less than ten million. That’s a doubling. It’s a doubling over exactly the same time frame that global warming is supposed to have skyrocketed. Correlation, suddenly, is causation, so I see a cause.

2. “Goldfish Rights” laws

In the early nineties, it looks like the mean global temperature was in a nosedive. That’s when the Maastricht Treaty was signed, forming the European Union. Once that gained momentum, the EU started inventing lots of “rights” for people…then animals…now they’re awarding brand new rights to goldfish. What’s the mean global temperature been doing during this time? I see a connection. Let’s check it out.

3. Reality television shows

They got going, as the temperature went up. Now we’re up to our ears in reality television shows, and the temperature is through the roof. There’s no sign of a slowdown in either case. Check out a possible connection, I say.

4. White kids learning how to rap

That was a 1990’s thing, wasn’t it? That’s when the temperature took off like a rocket. That’s when records were being set.

5. The phrase “I’d love to tell ya, but then I’d have ta kill ya!”

In the past few years, I hear it all the time. In the past few years, global warming is supposed to be life-threatening. Correlation. Must be causation.

6. Diminishing numbers of actors smoking cigarettes in movies

Haven’t you noticed? Back when cigarettes were smoked in movies, we didn’t have global warming.

7. Hillary Clinton opening her mouth and saying things in public

I never heard a peep out of her before 1992. Since 1998, when her husband was exposed as a constant cheat, it seems I’ve seen her face on the screen all over the place. That’s when global warming is supposed to have been a real problem.

8. iPods

It’s a little bit behind the curve, but it could be worth checking out. After all, they’re everywhere today, and we’re terrified of what global warming’s gonna do to us.

9. The phrase “illegal and unjust war” repeated over and over again

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out the mean global temperature went up a hundredth of a degree, every time this stupid phrase was uttered. I’m sure the charts and graphs will bear this out to Reverend Al’s liking.

10. Cell phone conversations that don’t really need to happen.

Could ya pick up some milk…what’re you doing…dude, you wouldn’t believe how much this movie sucks.

Back when those conversations just plain didn’t happen…global warming was, also, just plain not happening. I see a connection.

11. Diminishing number of pirates

Because it’s an Internet classic.

12. Liberals being angry and nasty

It started in ‘98 when Bill Clinton got in all that trouble, and someone established moveon.org. Isn’t that our record-warm-year lately, 1998? Hmmmm….

13. Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction

Saddam was ordered to cease and desist, and open them up to inspection, in 1991 as one of the conditions for the cease-fire. Then you wait a few years…global warming takes off. Huh. My liberals keep telling me there were no WMDs…but how can they know? Check it out, I say.

14. Kids being diagnosed with exotic new learning disabilities

The 4A’s: Autism, Aspergers, ADHD and Allergies. Is anybody keeping track of how often these things are diagnosed? And the skyrocketing is almost perfectly parallel with the global warming thing…in a way that would make  Al proud.

15. Y2K compliant products

Think about it. All that fuss and effort to make things Y2K compliant. From my vantage point, it seems looking back on it the efforts began in earnest right around ‘97…by ‘98, they had sucked the life out of us IT types.  Al says 1998 was a record. Just sayin’…

16. Fraudulent Voting

Illegal aliens. Dead people. People who live in different counties. I don’t know if the illegitimate voting is on an upswing, but the accusations of it certainly are…and where there’s smoke there must be fire. Earth’s temperature is supposed to be up. Hmm. Seems irresponsible to ignore this possible connection.

17. democrats telling us it’s okay to lie about your personal life

It didn’t become a talking point until sometime between 1998 and 1999…sometime when the results of the DNA test on that blue dress came back. Up until then, of course, a lie was a lie was a lie. But since then we’re in this weird, surreal universe in which when we catch a politician lying, we have to prove it was “any of our business” before we’re allowed to point out that he lied. And the mean global temperature has done what?

18. Sandra Bullock making chick flicks instead of movies the fellas would appreciate

Coincidence? She makes Demolition Man…no global warming yet. She makes Speed…no global warming. She makes Practical Magic…we have global warming. From then on, Sandra makes movies to make the girls happy, and neglects the guys who built her career by paying good money to see her rescued by Keanu. Then she does it a few more times, and the global temperature goes up and up and up. You have some explaining to do, Sandra.

19. The shortage of kids actually playing outside and their mothers calling them home for supper

Did you go outside and play God-knows-where until your momma called you home for supper? If so, then find the year on the graph at the top. See where the global temperature is. Pretty low, isn’t it? And now, kids play video games. We have global warming.

20. Hate crime legislation

Perhaps global warming is God’s way of punishing us for making it our business what our fellow man is thinking…between his left ear…and his right ear. It’s none of our business. When we meddle where we don’t belong, nature has ways to retaliate. And Al Gore should like the theory just fine, because hey, the lines fit.

21. Pants that droop and show off your butt crack

Another nineties fad. Except this one stuck around, and stuck around, and stuck around some more. Global temperature was sent sky-high. Cause. Effect.

22. Kids skateboarding in retail store parking lots after the manager has politely asked them not to

It used to be an occasional happenstance. And then it happened more often, and more often, and more often still. We have global warming.

23. Barbra Streisand “final” and “going away” concerts

She keeps doing it. More and more often, it seems…during which time, the planet is being put in danger.

24. Baby boomers in positions of authority

I don’t have a theory yet for how one causes the other to happen. But there’s gotta be one. It used to be baby boomers didn’t run much of anything. They were too young. Now, everyone who runs anything of any size, is born between 1945 and 1959. And…we have global warming.

25. Hollywood making crappy anti-war anti-American movies

They do it without even thinking about it, now. It doesn’t matter if the last one they did, made any money or not (and by the way, they never do).

26. The Macarena

It came and went in 1996, didn’t it? Look at that graph. Find 1996. Tell me you don’t see something.

27. Television judges

TOUGH. SMART. STRONG. FAIR. Television judges in the “Wapner” model on daytime television who CUT THROUGH THE CRAP.

They’ve become a form of pollution, just as thick and noxious as carbon dioxide, or for that matter any other gas. I’ve lost track of ‘em all.

28. Oprah Winfrey recommending books to people

She keeps doing it, over and over again. And the global temperature keeps rising.

29. Goatees

Used to be, you only saw one once in awhile. By the time we had our “warmest years on record,” if you tuned into the American Country Music awards, you saw a room full of what looked like a hundred guys all trying to look exactly like each other. Big-ass belt buckle…big-ass cowboy hat…big-ass boots…silly looking facial hair, looked like they’d been bobbing for apples in chocolate syrup, and then kissing feather pillows turned inside out. Silly. Three things classically American, coupled with one thing from 17th-century France. Who in the world decided these go together?

And the earth got hotter.

30. Women in pantsuits

Yet another hot trend from the nineties that was never questioned. More and more women, maybe with nice-lookin’ legs, but who would ever know? — They’d cover up with these pantsuits, and the planet sizzled.

These are all very silly ideas.

But not a single one of them as silly as the idea that carbon dioxide causes global warming. Because the plants and the trees and the flowers do not suck up Sandra Bullock movies or iPods. They do suck up carbon dioxide…which is a non-toxic gas in the first place.

Supposedly, if we unplug the coffee pot when it’s not in use, we can save the planet.

I think I’d rather see Sandra Bullock’s hooters. So I like my theories much better.

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I thought I imagined the whole thing…every single split-second of it is just as hilarious as the day I saw it, when I was still living there

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Bump: It looks like someone picked this up and linked it into the Guardian UK so I thought I’d resurrect it. - T

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TORONTO — Research In Motion Ltd.’s ubiquitous BlackBerry experienced a “critical severity outage” on Monday afternoon that left users stranded without wireless e-mail access, its maker said.

RIM notified its clients of the outage IN AN EMAIL.

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Hardcore stuff for real women.

And two jokes:

Joke number one:

A man comes home from work one day to find the house in complete chaos. The kitchen is piled high with dirty dishes, food is strewn across the floor, the living room looks like a bomb hit it, and two filthy, fighting children are sitting in front of the TV. With an increasing sense of panic, he runs through the house towards the bedroom. There, he finds his wife sitting up in bed, with a book in front of her and a box of chocolates beside her.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” he cries out.

She looks at him.

“You know how you come home every day and condescendingly ask ‘And what did you do today, dear? ‘ Well, today, I didn’t do it.”

Joke number two:

A woman manages to sneak away from the family for a short girls night out. When she goes up to the bar to get a drink, she finds herself next to the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen. He catches her eye.

“Hey, Ma’am. Tonight’s your special night. If you ask right, I will do anything you want, anything you can think of. I will fulfill your every desire. [Can you just imagine him running his tongue over his lips at this point?] There’s just one catch. You can use only three words to tell me want you want me to do for you. So, go ahead. Tell me.”

The woman considers for only a moment before she looks him in the eye and says, “Clean my house.”

Hat tip: Crossing the Rubicon

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So I’m in Detroit, killing four hours of layover time before my flight to Kansas. There is a spa in this airport! And conveniently, a Cuervo Tequileria, for the little Mexican lush in all of us.

I arrived in Detroit about an hour ago, absolutely famished. I was up at the crack of sparrowfart this morning to catch my mid-morning flight to Detroit. Yes, you now have to get up at five in order to catch a flight at 9:30. Thank you, Al Qaeda, for fucking with my beauty sleep. After being poked and prodded by various members of airport security (who, I noticed, seemed to take a hands-off approach to Muslims - good job!), I had more than an hour to kill, and a grumbling tummy. Pearson has to be, by far, one of the scarcest airports when it comes to consumables (and wireless, which they charge for). Heck, even Guam has an Officer’s Club. Pearson doesn’t even boast a McDonald’s! I would have kissed Osama’s ass for an Egg McMuffin. So instead I paid $7 for a stale Danish and a Fresca, and comforted myself that in a few short hours (ok, many hours, since I have a long layover in Detroit) I would be sipping margaritas on the Donovan porch. The end justifies the somewhat abusive means. But like a stroke of destiny, upon debarking in Detroit, I discovered this little watering hole. My mind and body still wanted breakfast, but a person can easily convince themselves that their strawberry margarita is actually a fruit smoothie. Really, I swear!

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Update: Perri Nelson Notes:

I really like the other caption, behind Mr. Edwards…

“Can a white man still be elected president?”

No, Esquire magazine doesn’t have an agenda do they?

What a RAG.

See Also: You Decide, Ace, American Digest, Ed Driscoll, Innocent Bystanders

Trackposted to Perri Nelson’s Website, Blog @ MoreWhat.com, DeMediacratic Nation, Big Dog’s Weblog, Pirate’s Cove, Blue Star Chronicles, Conservative Cat, Pursuing Holiness, and Right Voices, thanks to Linkfest Haven Deluxe.

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Debbie has a caption contest going on over at Right Truth. Here is my contribution. Check it out and lend your ideas. - Trip

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