An Article I Wish I Wrote - Iowahawks’ TNR ‘Shock Troops’ Investigation Diaries

Every now and then you read something that blows you away. Iowahawk has done it again with his version of Franklin Foer’s long winded explanation of how The New Republic published a series of articles that slandered our troops with fabricated lies about their actions on the battlefield.

Never once did I think that someone would be able to work the word “intriguigedly” into a sentence until I read the following:

We published an online statement pledging an investigation. That weekend, members of the editorial staff assembled at my house to divide up the task of re-reporting his stories. It would be a long an arduous task, with the possibility of uncomfortable conclusions. Ted, the new intern from Columbia Journalism School, brought along Pictionary.

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“Yahtzee!” yelled Emily, one of the new interns from Bennington. Then we ordered Chinese takeout from Mr. Hans on W. 105th (I highly recommend the lemon chicken).

By now, the identity of Scott Thomas is publicly known. He is Scott Thomas Beauchamp, age 24. He first came to our attention nearly a year ago by way of Elspeth Reeve, one of three reporter-researchers who work at TNR as essentially yearlong interns and whose responsibilities include fact-checking and making sure that the break room has plenty of Coffeemate non-dairy creamer. When she sent along a piece from her friend Scott in Iraq, we were intrigued. “Hmm,” we thought, intriguigedly, “here is a young man in the thick of the great stupid tragedy of our time, who will bring readers an introspective view on the day-to-day life of a typical soldier, whether it involves massacres of innocent villagers or a humdrum fragging of a psychopathic sergeant.” When, before publication, Beauchamp asked for a pseudonym, we granted it. We felt that a soldier in a war zone could write most honestly about his feelings and experiences under a penumbra of anonymity. In return, we asked for a 25% share of book royalties, with a 10% option on future theatrical film and DVD gross.

Had you managed to make your way through TNR editor Franklin Foer’s bazillion page defense you would have seen his account of an instant message exchange between Beauchamp and the staffers at TNR. Iowahawk see’s it a bit different although he came pretty close to the actual exchange.

Beauchamp: the last thing i got was “where did you see Krispy”

TNR: yes

Beauchamp: where?

TNR: yes

Beauchamp: why do u ask

TNR: smthng doesnt add up

Beauchamp: the dfac on falcon

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TNR: what about kuwait?

Beauchamp: wht abt it

TNR: thats where A and B said u saw her

Beauchamp: brb [be right back]

Nine minutes of silence

TNR: you there?

Ten minutes of silence

Beauchamp: ok just did a sworn statement

TNR: about?

Beauchamp: saying that i wrote the articles

TNR: ok

Beauchamp: theyre taking away my laptop

TNR: fuck is this it for communication?

Beauchamp: yeah and im fucked

TNR: they said that?

Beauchamp: because you’re right the krspy WAS in Kuwait

FUCK FUCK FUCK

this is bad isnt it

TNR: yes FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

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Beauchamp: FUUUUUCK

TNR: FUCKITY FUCK FUCK

Beauchamp: FUCKFUCKFUCKFUUUUUUCCCCUUCKK

TNR: F U C K

Beauchamp: GIMME AN F

TNR: F

Beauchamp: GIMME A U

TNR: U

Beauchamp: GIMME A C

TNR: C

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TNR: FUCKAFUCKAWUCKAFUCKMEINTHEASS AAAAAAGGGGGGH

where in kuwait?

I highly recommend you read the whole Iowahawk article especially if you have been following Foer’s follies since the first day “Shock Troops” was outed for the lie that it was.